N00b Year's Resolutions

Muffins!

I know your Holidays have been desolate without your favorite d-list blogger, but my brain pretty much went on fucking strike immediately following finals. It left a little note saying "I QUIT YOU" and went to Cabo, leaving me with no choice but to sit around for days eating Sun Chips and watching reruns of the Beijing Olympics ceremonies. I think we should just basically declare the end of Olympic Ceremonies because China pretty much owned the world with that one. Not even KANYE I'M BETTER THAN ELVIS WEST could top that shit.

Now that me and The Brain are having relations once more, it is time for our most favorite tradition N00B YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS!!!

Resolution 1: Hermitage will become more of a Teacher's Pet

figure 1: Accurate representation of how Hermitage will work it for an A. Scandalous!

Threshold for completion: Ask for no more than 3 extensions on one project in a semester. INSANE OVERACHIEVER, I am it.

Resolution 2: Hermitage will go on her first date this year. Skandalös!!!!

figure 2: Hermitage will make the goo goo eyes in the name of love

I am only doing this resolution because I am seriously THIS CLOSE to shanking the next shacked up friend who says "have you even gone on a DATE yet?" I'm a gamer, we dont' date! We have cyber sex with our avatars and die alone with lvl 80 Death Knights, duuuh!

Threshold for completion: Enduring an entire date without making some convenient excuse to go play Aion Online.

Resolution 3: Hermitage will do Awesome Science

figure 3: Gilman, Rodbell, and Lewis won the 1994 Nobel prize for their discovery of G-proteins, the sexiest part of signal transduction pathways. Yea, I said it!

Threshold for Completion: A minimum of 1 paper of at least 2nd Authorship. Papers from undergrad don't count! Escandalo!!

Resolution 4: Hermitage will be less negative about herself

figure 4: Hermitage will be a happier, perkier person in 2009 even if it breaks her soul. This might assist in Hermitage Resolution 1 regarding working it for an A

This will be a hard one, muffins. If an Erlenmeyer breaks in my vicinity, it's my fault, if my RNA is contaminated, I must have sneezed, if my experiments don't work it's because I have bad hands-THIS IS A WELL-HONED NEGATIVITY MACHINE DON'T YOU SEE THAT!!! I am only willing to admit I Shut It Down immediately following a paper submission or effusive praise from a Crotchety PI. However one of my co-workers called me a Dementor last week and while I think that's pretty badass, I don't think it was meant in a positive way.

figure 5: Hermitage does not see how being called this could be anything but a Compliment of the Highest Order

I thought about making a resolution to 'game less' but then my edition of Street Fighter, my laptop, my pillow, my Wii, and my gaming mouse started laughing their asses off. Chun Li said we should make a resolution for her to get slimmer thighs. MEANIES!

So what are YOUR New Year's Resolutions, muffins? Hermitage will return to read them after her New Year's Hangover has passed. She is eating loooooots of ice cream at home to celebrate a new year in her Tundra Hermit Cave.

The n00b scream

Hey muffins,

I know you've all been wondering what your high monktress has been up to. Well, she has been going insane.

figure 1: Accurate representation of Hermitage's state of mind

So please forgive me for not posting while I go insane from finals and consider an alternate career as a lab tech.

n00b meme: What I have done

Like any good d-lister, I am copying the patterns of the popular and famous. So I present to you the meme everyone and their mom has done, the 'what I've done' meme! I know, that was so hilarious I still hear you cracking up muffins.

figure 1: Hermitage takes her inspiration from the classiest International Supermodel and D-lister of them all

1. Started my own blog
2. Slept under the stars
3. Played in a band (I watched some 4 yr child prodigies play 'A little Night Music' on violin and whistled along, does that count? It was some innovative shit right there!)
4. Visited Hawaii
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than I can afford to charity (I'm broke buying attention and blow, it's always more than my poor professional student ass can afford)
7. Been to Disneyland/world (Unless Ursula is there to personally escort me around so we can talk smack about those hoes Belle and Ariel, no dice)
8. Climbed a mountain
9. Held a praying mantis
10. Sung a solo (in my shower every morning! My neighbor pounds the wall in appreciation of my sonatas)
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched lightning at sea
14. Taught myself an art from scratch
15. Adopted a child
16. Had food poisoning
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown my own vegetables
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept on an overnight train
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitchhiked
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill (Ha, who hasn't done this?)
24. Built a snow fort (neighborhood kids kicked it down the next day. Little bastards)
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Run a Marathon
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset (I see sunrises every day, I'm in grad school!)
31. Hit a home run
32. Been on a cruise
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
34. Visited the birthplace of my ancestors
35. Seen an Amish community
36. Taught myself a new language
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David
41. Sung karaoke
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant (Homeless dude. Ran up 20 bucks on my card for a sandwich from SUBWAY. How this is possible I still don't know)
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had my portrait painted
48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. Kissed in the rain (gamer nerds don't kiss, wth!??)
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Been in a movie
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies
62. Gone whale watching
63. Got flowers for no reason
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma
65. Gone sky diving
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
67. Bounced a check
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten caviar
72. Pieced a quilt
73. Stood in Times Square (I've been in NY several times and have yet to feel the Tourist Urge to stand in Times Square. It's not that fucking exciting people)
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been fired from a job
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77. Broken a bone
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Published a book
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had my picture in the newspaper
85. Read the entire Bible
86. Visited the White House
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
88. Had chickenpox
89. Saved someone’s life
90. Sat on a jury
91. Met someone famous
92. Joined a book club
93. Lost a loved one
94. Had a baby
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a law suit
98. Owned a cell phone
99. Been stung by a bee
100. Ridden an elephant

Rejoice that there's someone who's done less shit with their life than you! Excuse me but I have to go skinny dip in the Great Salt Lake while swimming across, save a child's life and adopt him and subsequently immaculately concept the next baby Jesus. Possibly while riding an elephant.

Sharing is Caring, n00b

Now, your favorite d-list blogger's work frequently requires her to use State-of-the-Art, Cutting-Edge equipment. This fabulous equipment is part of a shared Super Facility that is super fantastic, despite is panache for having many glass windows. Which frequently leads to one looking up, bleary-eyed and exhausted to find excited tourists filming your through the glass.

figure 1: Hermitage's Science Cave is a Nerd Safari to most

As we're all Very Sophisticated and Mature scientists you can imagine we easily share Cutting-Edge equipment with nary a complaint.

figure 2: Sharing is a most elegant and sophisticated technology to prevent Humans from shanking a bitch

NOT

A few weeks ago I breezed into Super Facility to carry out my work that requires 5hrs+ of my precious time. Due to time restraints on equipment, I time myself extremely carefully such that I get in and get out with as much work done as possible. However that day I had the misfortune of being behind Douchebag Corporate Dude (D.C.D.).

D.C.D.: "Oh yea, I'll be going an hr or so over time"

Hermitage: "I have this equipment reserved for now"

D.C.D. "Well, it's already started"

Hermitage then rips D.C.D.'s balls out through his throat, chucks his sample from the equipment, ruining it, and runs her samples.

REALITY-Hermitage: "Oh, Ok."

Hermitage stomps away to do other fabulous sciencey things, waves at little kid peering through glass. She smells some odd combination of Bud Light, Bod bodyspray, and Old Spice.

D.C.D.: "By the way are you sure you're going to use all your time?"

Hermitage: "Yes" douchebag

D.C.D. looks at Hermitage the same way you'd look at a 2yr old who said they're going to eat their entire birthday cake alone. "Are you sure?"

Hermitage then rips D.C.D.'s prostate out through his throat, chucks his sample from the equipment, ruining it, and runs her samples.

REALITY-Hermitage: "Yes I'm sure"

The next day I entered Super Facility to see D.C.D. berating two other coporate douchebags who decided to load another 4hr sample 4 min before D.C.D.'s time started. The other two feigned confusion and an inability to speak English. D.C.D.'s rage increased, and face purple, started screaming louder, because that totally makes people understand English better.

Hermitage: chuckles evilly

Moral of the Story: Karma does exist, n00b

n00b Introductions

So today Super Prestigious Dean (S.P.D.) came to present for Dept Y. S.P.D is the Dean of my undergraduate institution, and is particularly fond of Prior Awesome PI. S.P.D. also seemed to be a big fan of Current Awesome PI. Obviously this was an excellent opportunity to ingratiate myself with him and make an awesome connection within academia to bend to my nefarious will when looking for a tenure position, or a post-doc, or a job at McDonald's-whatever works.

Hermitage: "Hello S.P.D-"
*this is where Hermitage was supposed to recite her carefully planned introduction and S.P.D. was supposed to go wild and we become BFFs and plan sleep overs and braid each others' hair, etc.*
Instead....
Hermitage: *Gibberish*
S.P.D. "..."
*Hermitage scampers away*

figure 1:Hermitage was as smooth as this character during her exchange with S.P.D.

Well, at least I didn't tell him my name, hopefully he'll have forgotten that this ever happened by the time we're at a conference together.

Return of the n00b

I'm back muffins! I had an absolutely splendid vacay where all I did was lounge around looking beautiful whilst hot guys rubbed sun tan lotion on my feet.

figure 1: This is totally what Hermitage did all holiday. Hotness is NOT to scale

NOT! I did spend an inordinately long time on old, dilapidated buses traveling to and fro my vacay area of choice. Which brought back many nostalgic memories of traveling to and from my Heimat. Your favorite d-list blogger had also forgotten the many wondrous and educational things you can only learn using America's greatest transporation system: das autobus.

A) The rich elite are the leaders of the 'shadow government' trying to destroy the world
B) The rich elite want to decimate 1/3rd of the population as mandated in The Bible so they can have ownership over us peasants
C) The rich elite are possibly in cohoots with the Nephala (giant people/aliens) who are trying to bring about the end of days
D) 'Genotechnology' is not splicing genes into your corn so that it will be more resistant to weather fluctations. No, it is to create 'hybrids' that demon souls can enter thru to destroy the world.
E) Scientists are also possibly in cohoots with the giant people/alien/devil/Nephala

There is nothing more comforting than to know that your bus driver is an incredibly logical and sage individual while he holds your tiny, heathen soul in the palm of his engine.

I also reaffirmed my crime-riddled Heimat roots when my seatmate-an upstanding young man-informed his girlfriend of all of his prior gun/robber/murder convictions. My response was to waspishly tell him to keep his voice down. I then promptly burrowed myself as far into the corner of my seat as humanly possible. Quoting the esteemed Wanda Sykes, I was sure as hell sleeping with one eye open.

But nothing was quite as fun as returning to Graduate School Heimat tired and unwashed, smelling of weed and god knows what else and plugging back in with the Academic world.

figure 2: The aftermath of Hermitage plugging back in to the Academic world

I am thrilled to inform you that I have approximately 3 assignments I forgot to turn in, rent I forgot to pay, projects that my teammates have not even begun, and approximately data for 10,0000 grants to obtain. AND

my cable box refused to turn back on so I could not watch Heroes. The world is a cruel, fickle place.